Muck - not man's best friend

Take one garda station and, with no funding, turn the field around it into a car park. Don't bother with the traditional elements of a car park, they're so old hat. Just let the guards park all over the grass until it turns from a pleasant shade of green to a disturbing shade of brown.

From time to time, when there's a slightly higher risk of actually losing cars in the ensueing swamp, rope off the worst affected parts and hope people can figure it out for themselves.

After years of neglect, try to replace the communications tower which involves bringing in several diggers, a large crane, a generator and some other heavy equipment.

I'll leave it to your imagination what happens next but I will say that the driver of the digger definitely deserves a payrise. He's spend more time hauling cranes, lorries and equipment from six feet under the muck than he has doing actual work. Maybe thats his actual job :-)

If you

If you think that attacking and injuring gardai, trapping people too afraid to go outside, doing thousands of euros of damage to property, lighting bonfires beside the spike, burning out cars, looting shops, rampaging through shopping centres, undoing the work that has made O'Connell St a street to be proud of, closing the city centre for most of the day or anything else that we saw that was in any way patriotic or republican, you're more moronic than I can ever explain. I'll give you a hint: if you come down here equipped with cans of petrol and iron sticks, you're probably an idiot.

Perhaps the love ulster campaign was a big pile of crock but it was a perfectly orchestrated pile of crock, designed to make the self-proclaimed republicans react exactly the way they did. Like puppets on strings, they bussed down here, banged a few drums and a bunch of scumbags danced to their tune. Well done, you're defended Ireland against the loyalists by thrashing our capital city and embarassing us in front of the North, England and the rest of the civilised world.

I have equal amounts of contempt for people who went into the city centre to shop today. No, it's not right that people from another state should come down here and keep you out but if you looked up from your little world and paid a little more attention, you wouldn't have been caught in the middle of it. There's a big bad world going on around you.

A tribute to pizza

The cornerstone of most DCUers diet, the most reliable place for a decent meal, the worst in scumbag cars but the best in pizza - it could only be Mizzoni. It's never too early, too late or too expensive to pick up the phone and have a tracksuit-clad northsider race to your door in their souped up Nissan Micra complete with the latest in broken exhausts but making up for it by carrying the best damn pizza in Santry.

You can understand then, my confusion when after repeated attempts to ring last night, all I got were connection errors - the horrid buzzing sound that indicates the phone network has given up the ghost. After ruling out all the other possibilities (Meteor being shit again...), I pulled on my hiking boots and trekked up Shanowen Avenue to collect the pizza by hand. Stopping several times along the way to rest and try ring again, it was a terrible journey followed by the sight of well... nothing. Shutters across the doors and windows, no collection of tinted-window cars outside, no cloud of cigarette smoke... nothing.

Could this be the end? Will DCU students by forced to order from the likes of Dominos, Apache or worse still, learn to cook for themselves? Will alumni events be times when the old folks describe that wonderful hovel that used to supply the best student food in town? Rose tinted glasses all round I fear. Will unemployment among the 1l owners skyrocket as a result?

Thankfully no. Someone emerged from the shuttering, took one look at our concerned faces and reassured us it was only an oven problem and they'd be back in business in a day or two. My relief, as you can well understand, is unending.

As an aside, I can now give Dublin Bus the two fingered salute and ride my newly purchased bike to work, safe in the knowledge that I'll be able to put back on all that weight by eating delicious Mizzoni pizzas!

Eddie Rockets

It might be overpriced, overhyped and a little on the slow side but it does taste good and it's sooo close to UGC. Their smartie desert is well worth the wait :-)